Evan Quinlan

Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

Quality Control

In Drabbles, Fiction, Short Stories on February 16, 2011 at 1:32 pm

The studio buzzed and the old man tasted electricity in the air.  He turned from his canvas to see a woman in a suit step out of a portal hovering in midair.

“How—?”  He began.

“Do as I ask and I’ll tell you,” she smiled.  “You’d undoubtedly appreciate it.  Now, I lead Quality Control for the Louvre Museum in Paris where, in 400 years, your painting will draw millions of visitors annually.  After studying 250 alternate realities I’ve determined we’ll enjoy maximum traffic if you repaint your subject with a delicate smile—just enough to peak the curiosity of the viewer.”

This story was written for the 100 Word Stories podcast’s Weekly Challenge #253.

Clown School

In Drabbles, Fiction, Short Stories on February 13, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Tie-Bow the Clown rested his hand on the Hilarity Button.  Laughing, he pressed it and the conveyor belt behind the Plexiglas reversed direction.

Tie-Bow’s clowning routine, leading fake bow-tying workouts, had foundered with Billy Blanks’ popularity.  Now, though, his ingenious basement invention offered him an inexhaustible supply of fresh material.

One of the hobos chained to the conveyor amused Tie-Bow so he slapped the Hilarity Button.  The conveyor reversed, carrying the temporarily relieved man farther from the buzz-saw on his end.  The other hobo renewed his clowning with desperation, one laugh away from earning a few more moments of life.

Sweet and Salty

In Fiction, Short Stories on February 9, 2011 at 10:01 pm

In an effort to curb alcoholism, the FDA ordered bottling plants to insert a live bee into every 20th beer.  This had two effects: first, it curbed alcoholism.  Second, it made a multi-billionaire of  Shelby R. Danville, whose business making scuba gear for bees had heretofore floundered.  One day near the end of a financial quarter Shelby noticed that sales of SCUBEE®s had exceeded the number of bees bottled.  Curious, he surveyed a wild hive and found the bees had acquired their own SCUBEE® apparatuses and were moving their hive underseas.  Shelby set out in his yacht and was never seen on land again, although his cousin did receive a soggy letter by post that read, “When you see something called ‘reef honey’ on the market, invest.”

The Maltese :(|)

In Fiction, Short Stories on February 8, 2011 at 8:23 pm

She swaggered into my office with hips that knocked my libido into next week.  I’m sure she saw <3 in my eyes but girls like her turn <3 into </3 faster than you can say :-X.

“O:-)” she purred demurely but I didn’t buy the act.  I knew a >:-) when I saw one.  I’d have to play it B-).

“:-/” I inquired skeptically.

“:-P” she teased, coming closer.  She sat on my lap and came in for :-* but I saw her slipping the gun out of her garter belt.  I was faster.  With a look of :-O and then :'( she collapsed on the desk with a smoking hole in her back.

The tattoo on her now cold shoulder confirmed my suspicions: she had come for the Maltese :(|).  Well, she’d never get it.

My Favorite Color

In Haiku on February 7, 2011 at 7:34 pm

When I’m alone, green.
When I look at you, it’s blue
And my lips choose red.